Diving for cover behind a group of trees, I tried to regain my bearings. Several men were down and I could hear their cries of pain in the distance. My friend and I had been separated from the rest of the company during the ambush and we had a daunting, uncovered stretch between us and where the others had regrouped. Knowing we had to move, we caught each other's eyes and in unison began to sprint. Immediately we were seen and bullets began to scream past us. We were moments away from safety when I lost my footing and fell hard, scraping across rocky ground. As I scrambled to get up, my friend stepped between me and the incoming fire, and our eyes met as several bullets ripped into his body. We were dragged the rest of the way to cover, and I could see that his wounds were fatal. Crushing guilt came over me as I realized that my life was spared while my closest friend was going to taste death. The last thing he said before he drew his final breath was "Aaron, I chose to take those bullets for you."
This scene played through my head during a recent prayer time, and I feel like it conveys much of what I've experienced spiritually in the last months. I've often felt like Jesus should stay removed from all the pain and messiness of my life, where in fact, he offers to absorb it all into himself on the cross. Trying in my own frame to carry the hurt from my own sins, and the ways others have hurt me, will quickly destroy me. But when I daily release and transfer that weight to Jesus on the cross, I quit being the judge of my own guilt and the guilt of others, and can hear God declare me innocent. Where I once built walls to protect myself from pain, a deep channel is created in me to receive the flow of God's love and to freely pour out to others. The best part is that Jesus invites me to this exchange not out of obligation, but because his love for me is so consuming that he was willing to endure agony beyond comprehension to be with me, bringing healing and wholeness. I am in him, he is in me, and we're in this together for the rest of time!
